I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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