Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
