im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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