he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
