being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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