I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
