suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
