Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
