tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
