HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
