I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
