Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
