my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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