If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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