Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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