If that was your dad, he is hot
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
