corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
