i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
