Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
