Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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