Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
