Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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