I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
