Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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