You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
