Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
