you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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