So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
