When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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