just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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