I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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