I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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