This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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