You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
