I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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