you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
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Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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