So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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