don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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