I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
