I showed him my bush... on skype.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
