I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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