Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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