true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
