There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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