seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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