I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My penis needs a shock collar
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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