I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So apparently I’m into choking now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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