My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
