Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
