did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
