***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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