Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
