also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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