Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
