What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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