He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
