i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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