hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
