On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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