Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
