Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
